2022 Reflections

 Happy Wednesday! 

I've been trying to think of the perfect thing to post on my Instagram to encapsulate 2022. When I look back I realized how much happened this year. I started this year in a very different place than I'm ending it. I used to think nothing ever changed or happened in the year. Before 2020, a lot of my years looked the same. And then 2020 happened, and 2021 and now 2022 which has just been packed full of life events. 

I don't even know where to start than to say that God has filled this year with so many blessings and answered prayers. A part of me just wants to write out a giant list of all the good things because it feels like there's so much. 

But I guess I'll start with what really was and is a true answer to prayer and what feels like a miracle to me. I started out this year really struggling with my anxiety and depression. Both felt out of control and messy. I got to the point in the summer where I just couldn't do it anymore. Something had to give. So we found a naturopath doctor and went to see him. He changed my life. Truly within a month I was seeing results. I wish someone could have told me sooner that gluten and corn was killing me and causing me so much anxiety and depression. Since I've gotten off both those things and lowered my sugar intake I feel better than I have since before I was sixteen. He gave me a really great probiotic and two all natural anxiety tinctures that I take every day and it's literally changed my life in the best possible day. Even on my worst anxiety days, they don't compare to what they used to be. 

I prayed for so long and so hard for God to take away my anxiety and depression. I lamented for years to Him about how awful I felt, about how I couldn't do it anymore. There were many tearful nights. Eventually, I learned to accept my anxiety and my depression. To live around it and through it. There were still tearful moments, but I saw my mental health issues as pushing me closer to God instead of ruining my life. And I still do. I sometimes am bitter or frustrated or sad that I had to live so much of my life the way I did when there was such an easy fix out there, but then I always think of how all of those moments made me lean on God more than I would have otherwise. My anxiety and depression has taught me trust, has taught me faith and to be able to find hope and joy during the pain and struggle. They helped me cling to God more than I would have without them and I'm thankful for that. But I am also immeasurably thankful that He answered my prayers in His perfect timing this year that I'm able to live more freely from anxiety and depression. They're still there. I'm not sure they'll ever truly go away, and I'm ok with that, but they aren't what they used to be. They've shrunk and behind tiny nuisances instead of roaring monsters stomping down on me. 

That's the biggest thing I never want to forget from 2022. That I started the year out feeling so out of control from my anxiety and depression and ending it with so much hope and healing. 

And through that healing, I've been able to drive. This may sound silly to some, but it's a true miracle that I can drive. For years I never thought I would be able to. There were many tearful moments about that too. Lots of hopeless moments where I believed I would never be able to get over my driving anxiety and the brain fog that made it impossible for me to focus behind the wheel. And now, here I am with a car of my own and able to drive to and from so many places on my own. I still have my limits. There are still places that make me really anxious and there are times where I just can't do it and I need someone to drive me, but more often than not, I'm able to drive on my own. I no longer feel like I'm going to have a panic attack every time I even think about getting in a car. There was a moment the other day driving home from work that I actually enjoyed it. I turned the music up loud and drove home in the dark, singing and enjoying being alone in my car. If you don't believe God doesn't do miracles in the here and now, this is proof that He does. That right there is an absolute miracle and answer to years and years of prayers. The other day I was thinking about how, because of those years of being unable to drive, I now don't take that ability for granted. I'm extremely thankful and I treasure the fact that I'm able to drive. 

If those two things weren't enough, God also answered my prayer to find community. I've prayed and yearned for community for a long time. To find a place in the church where I felt at home. There have been very few places in any church I've been to where I felt truly safe, comfortable and at home. I don't plan to leave this church He led me and my family to for a very long time. This church has been a true answer to prayer, but more than that, the people in the church have been an answer to prayer. The friends I've been able to make have been true blessings to me. I'm thankful for every person there who have made me feel welcomed and brought me into their community without a second thought. As someone who's always only had like two or three friends her whole life, having an entire group that I consider my friends has been a very new thing for me. I cherish the memories I've gotten to make with all of them and I look forward to getting to deepen friendships in the coming year. 

Then there's the fact that I got a boyfriend this year. My first ever boyfriend in fact haha It lasted barely three months, but hey, it still counts. God really taught me a lot about myself through that. Even though it didn't work out and that was hard and sad, I can see that in the long run it was for the best. I'm thankful for the time I got to spend with him and it was fun getting to know him and I'm glad we can still be friends. I feel like I needed that first relationship to really teach me what I do and don't want in future relationships. It was a learning experience and something I think God grew me through a lot. After a few months to ponder and think back on it, I plan to approach future relationships much more deliberately and thoughtfully than I did during the summer. 

And I suppose I'll close out this post with the fact that not only did all of that happen, but we also moved! And I got a job! We moved in July to a new house with a pool. It was a little bit of a hard move for me, but that's just because moving is always hard for me haha I love this house, though. So much more than the other house we were in at the beginning of the year. I'm so thankful for this house and that we've been able to have parties and entertain people here more than we have at our two other houses. And I'm so thankful for the job God provided for me. For the past two years I've been so worried about finding a job. I was worried about graduating college and I didn't know what to do or how I was going to find a job. And then there God was, showing up like He always does and providing for me right when I need it, so I can graduate without having to worry about finding something to do. I've already got something. 

So, yeah, that's 2022 wrapped up. There were hard moments, but also a whole lot of really amazingly good moments and I'm thankful for every single one of them. God has been good through all of it and I just pray that I can lean on Him more in the new year and really lean into the blessings He's given me in my life. 

What are some of the highlights of your 2022 or just thoughts in general on how the year went?