Turning 25!

 Happy Thursday! 

At the end of February I was looking back at my wrap ups on my Instagram and on here and it almost made me start crying because of how far I've come. It made me stop and think about where I started my 20's versus where I am now. So much as changed and so much of it for the better. Just looking back at the pictures and wrap ups I've done over the past year, I feel like I'm thriving. I'm at a place I honestly didn't think I'd ever get to and maybe that was just me being dramatic or living in on and off depression for so many years, but it makes me tear up and so thankful to see how far I've come since 20. 

At 20 I had a best friend I thought I would still be best friends with when I turned 25. I had him and two other friends at 20 and that was it. I don't even remember what church we were at five years ago, but it wasn't the church we're at now and I know I definitely was not thriving there. I felt so behind everyone else my age. I couldn't drive, I was still in college, I struggled with anxiety and depression and panic attacks on a regular basis. I had such bad brain fog and anxiety and dizziness. Now that I look back, I was just so sick. My body was so sick for so long and it makes me really sad that I had to live like that when now, at 25, I know what was wrong and how I could have fixed it. I was holding onto a crush I had been harboring for years that would never go anywhere, but my young, hopeful self clung to. My brother with autism was still living at home with us and it was honestly really hard. I don't want to forget those times. I feel like the minute life gets better or easier, I let go of the every day hard moments. I love my brother and he's great, but when he lived with us, he gave us a lot of trouble. He had really bad anger issues and I feel like a lot of us in my family lived in crisis mode for years with him in the house. Just always feel like I had to step around egg shells, waiting for the next big tantrum and screaming match. It wasn't fun. 

There were and are a lot of great times in my early 20's, but I do feel like I didn't get to start really living my life until last year - until 24. It makes me sad that it took me so much longer than others to get to that point, but there's nothing I can do about it now and I'm just thankful for where I'm at now, that I was able to get to this point. 

And now here I am at 25. I got off of gluten and corn and am taking some new supplements that have changed my life. My anxiety and panic attacks and depression are pretty much gone. When I do get depressive episodes it doesn't last long and usually its during the winter now. The same for my anxiety and panic attacks - usually those are triggered by something I eat. I feel like I can function. Like I'm an actual functional human being for the first time in years and I'm not crippled by my mental health. I have a car! I can drive! Something I truly never thought I would be able to do. The other day I was driving to a place I haven't driven to before and I got turned around and instead of having a panic attack or feeling super anxious, I could just shrug it off and be like it's no big deal. That may be normal for some, but for me, I got home afterward and told my mom and I was like is this how people without anxiety live life?? Like this is amazing! Haha 

I've published a full trilogy, a full five book series and two stand-alones between 20 and 25. I graduated college and have a job (another thing on my hardest depression days didn't think I'd be able to have). I actually work with my brother with autism as staff at his apartment. I have an actual church community. Not just a church I go to on Sundays and come home from and never talk to anyone. I have actual community there. Where people notice if I'm not there and who I hang out with all the time and talk to and do life with. Again, something I had given up hope on ever finding. I've gone to so many churches and so many college/20's groups and couldn't find this sort of community. I'd given up on ever finding it until a friend brought me to this group last year and it's changed my life for the better in so many ways. 

Yes, it does make me sad that it took me this long to heal and to not be dragged down by being sick and held back by my mental health and sometimes I feel like I wasted my early 20s, but it feels so good to look back at my past year and see myself happy and thriving. To see God answering so many years long prayers in the span of one year.

The past five years have been hard and good in so many ways and now I get to look forward to the next five years. For the first time in a long time, I actually feel hopeful for the future. I feel like I have a future. When I look forward five years I don't see what I saw at 21 or 22 or even 23. I see really good things and a really good life that God has planned for me and I am so, so thankful for that. 

A few things I've learned over the past five years: 

- Most people come into our lives for a season and that's Okay. That doesn't make their impact and importance on your life any smaller or less significant. 

- It's Okay to mourn people that are still alive and to mourn more than just someone who's passed away in your life. Grief is grief no matter whether the person is dead or not and it is Okay to feel that grief and to mourn those things and those people you've lost. 

- There are life long friends and you should hold onto those people tightly. (Looking at you Keturah, Paige and Rachel) 

- Nothing lasts forever. The good and the bad. Life happens in seasons. The bad you're trudging through right now, it may feel like this will be your life forever, and it may be your life for a few months or even a few years, but it will get better and it will not last forever. The same for the good. 

- Nothing is a waste. Especially if you're a Christian. God wastes nothing. You may not see it or understand it right now, but every bad thing you are going through has a purpose. To either grow you, push you closer to God or so you can encourage and empower those going through the same thing later down the road. Or all three. 

- On the flip side, sometimes life is hard and it's Ok to just sit in it. You don't have to come up with Christian-y platitudes or force yourself to be positive or try to make good out of the situation in the moment. I don't even think you need to be digging around trying to find what God is using it for in the moment either. You are allowed to just sit in the hard, to acknowledge that life sucks sometimes and to cry, feel it and lament to God. He hears it and He gives you grace through it. It doesn't make you less of a Christian, it doesn't mean you have less faith if all you can do is cry and feel your feelings. 

- Step out of your comfort zone. I am where I am today, in the season I'm in today because I stepped out of my comfort zone. Through the anxiety and panic attacks and depression, I forced myself to get into the car almost every weekend between now and 2020 and drive (earlier on with my mom in the passenger seat). Through the anxiety I forced myself to take my driver's test and I passed it. And through the anxiety, I got in the car at least once a week and drove around the neighborhood and then down the street. Even if I came home and had an anxiety attack or felt drained the whole rest of the day, I did it because I knew the only way to get to where I wanted to go was through the hard. I forced myself to go to one church group after another until I finally found this one. For my introvert self, that was hard. I let go of a friendship I had been holding onto for years and made myself get out of there and try to meet new people and make new friends. It's hard work and it takes time, but getting out of your comfort zone is so worth it in the end. 

- Wear what makes you feel confident. I am very much into modest dressing and not showing off everything to the whole world, so I'm not talking about confident as in looking hot and being super revealing. I'm talking about finding the clothes and styles that make you feel like you. When you put on those pants or that dress or that shirt, you can't help but smile and feel like your best self. 

- Enjoy the little things. I learned this from Dearest Josephine and my friend Keturah. Stop and smell the roses, admire the sunset, bask in the smell and taste of a fresh cup of tea. Live in the moment enough to where you can just enjoy the littlest, most inconsequential things that make you happy. 

- And lastly, live in the moment. It's good to have dreams and plans for the future, but if the past five years have taught me anything its that God has His plans and we have ours and God's plans always win out (as they should. I'm so glad He didn't let most of my plans come to fruition). I learned this from my mom and Hannah Brencher's book Come Matter Here. Don't get so caught up on the future that you miss the current moment. Live where you're feet are and be flexible because the future is never what we think it will be. 

Here's two twenty-five and the past five years of my twenties. To all the ups and downs and goods and bads. I wouldn't be where I am today or the person I am today without God, without my family (especially my mom) and for the amazing friends in my life who's walked through so much of life with me. I can't wait to see what the next five years hold.