Happy Wednesday!
I started my final college class this week and have a lot of thoughts and feelings about it. It got me to thinking about this summer and this year and how God goes before us and makes a way. If we surrender control of our lives to Him (and even when we don't and He has to slam doors shut and wrestle it out of our hands) things work out better than we could have ever imagined.
Last year, honestly for the past two years, I've been a bit of a nervous wreck about graduating. The future has always been scary to me. I like having control and I have no control over my future (which now I know is a good thing. I'd rather God have control over that then me. He does a way better job than I ever could). But, nonetheless, it was still scary and daunting. I felt like everyone else knew what they were doing and what their futures held and I was just floundering. I felt stuck in place. I didn't think when the time came for me to move into a new season of life that I would be ready... in a way that was me not putting my full trust in God and me forgetting that He is good and He would make a way just like He always has in my life.
I'm not one to ignore the bad to focus only on the good. When good things come, when I'm in a season where God has given me so many wonderful gifts I don't want to only talk about that and forget about the hurt and hard times. That's just not who I am, so I will say that the last few years have been tough. There was 2020 and all the uncertainty and anxiety that came with that. My mental health went downhill for a while there, especially last year and the beginning of this year. My faith was shaken and tested in a way I hope I never experience again. I went through a horrible friendship breakup that left me depressed and grieving and pretty much wrecked for months. I felt so lonely and kind of hopeless a lot of the time. The last few years have had some of the hardest moments of my life (so far) in them. And yet God held fast to me. Even when I doubted Him and struggled almost every day sometimes to trust Him and even believe in Him, He held onto me and did not let me stray from my faith. That's all credited to him. Literally everything that has gotten me to this point in my life is credited to Him because there's no way I could have ever gotten through any of the hard things in my life without Him.
All that to say, there were times where my depression and anxiety told me things wouldn't get better. That that was just my life now. But they were wrong because I have such a good God. I don't deserve a single good gift He's given me. My salvation, my faith, my family that has helped get me through all those hard moments... And yet He gives me those good gifts anyways. That's how great His love and grace and mercy is.
At the beginning of the year, I could have never imagined I would be starting my final semester of college in the place I am now. And its all thanks to God. Because of a series of messed up class schedules and complications with figuring out summer classes, I ended up having this whole summer off. God shut the doors to several classes this summer and I really do think it was because of Him, because He wanted me to have the summer off that I did. I needed it and He knew that. It gave me a break I needed and the time to realize that I can live my life without the schedule of homework and semesters. Its because of having the summer off that was able to get a job, one that God opened the door for me at just the right time (as always). He led us to a functional doctor who has done more to heal my boxy and my anxiety/depression in the past three months than my regular doctor has been able to do in the past almost ten years. There were times I thought I would never get better. I would live with crippling anxiety and depression for the rest of my life... God proved otherwise by leading me to Dr. Zimmer. Its truly been such a blessing and amazing gift to be where I am now. I still struggle sometimes, but it doesn't cripple me anymore. I feel like I can function now and work toward healing and improving my thought process and push through mental blocks. I can actually drive by myself! Not very far and it'll be a long road to getting to be more confident in driving beyond where I am now, but its a huge win for me. And as if all that wasn't enough because God is too good to me, He led me to an amazing guy that I now get to call my boyfriend.
He saw me through the worst of the worst throughout my whole life. But he's also seen me through some of the best of the best. I'm reminded in this season that He goes before us always. His ways are better than our ways in every single way possible.
Not to say, I don't still worry sometimes. Just this week I had to wake up on Monday morning and have a long talk with God about my worries about the future. I love that I can hold fast to my faith and trust in God while He also allows me to talk through my worries and fears and give them to Him every day if I need to. His love and grace isn't dependent on my feelings and I'm so thankful for that. I'm just thankful for everything He's done for me this year and in past years. For leading me through the hard moments so that I could be where I am now and get to the good moments.
Because of that, I can be excited for next year and for what's to come. I can have hope that I will continue to heal and get better and that things will work out the way God intended them to be.
I hope this encourages you in some way. Whether you're in the hardest moments right now or the best ones, God is with you. He grieves with you and sits with you in the pain. He hears your laments and His heart hurts for you. He walks with you through the hurt and the pain and He will hold fast to you. But he also laughs with you, shares in your joy and celebrates the victories with you. He lavishes His love and grace on you and gives such good gifts in every season of life, whether they be big gifts or small ones.
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