Kicking Off Summer

 Happy Wednesday! 

So, I wrote this at the beginning of June and forgot to post it, so here are some random thoughts on having fun haha 

I've realized in the past few months that I'm not very good at having casual fun. I'm not very good at casual in general. Everything about me tends to be drawn to the intense. I'm all in or all nothing. The dial has to be cranked to ten or it'll be at zero. There is no in-between. It's been like that for years. All my best friendships I've had since I was a kid have been intense, especially one in particular that I had throughout my teen years. It was always deep conversations and meaningful questions, the dial cranked up to the max all the time. 

And that's not necessarily a bad thing. Some people crave intensity, while others love the casual. Neither of those things are bad. They're preferences and that's fine. I feel the fullest and the most satisfied when I get to hang out with a friend who I can have deep, meaningful conversations with. Where I don't have to have a filter and can talk about the ups and downs of life without worrying about ruining the vibe or bumming the person out. The melancholy of life has never been something that ruins my day or bums me out. I'm always open to hearing someone's struggles or listen to their difficulties. It doesn't bother me. I actually feel like it makes me feel closer to them through that. I'm watching the new TV show for The Time Traveler's Wife and one of the characters told the other character that one of the best ways to get to know a person is through knowing what makes them sad and I have to agree. But, the conversations for me, don't always have to be sad. They can just be interesting or in depth or thought provoking. I enjoy one on one where I can have those kinds of conversations with people. 

But the truth is, not every relationship is cut out for that. Not every person is going to be your deep conversations, ride or die friend. And I'm learning to accept that that is Ok. 

Through all of my teen years I didn't have a lot of friends. I had one really intense friendship, one other friendship that is super important to me and is definitely a forever friend. With both friends, everything was always low key. Go for walks or watch a movie together, stay in and talk. That's just what I've always been used to. 

Until this year when we started going to a new church and I found community in their college group. I've never been to such a kind and welcoming group of people my own age before. I was instantly brought in and accepted and welcomed as one of their own and since then, I don't think I've ever done so much or had such a busy social life before in my life. I went to a concert and have gone to parties and out to lunch after church services on Sundays. I've laughed and played games and just hung out. And it's still taking me time to get used to that. This is a learning curb for me, the fact that it is good to have fun. To not always have to have these super intense and deep relationships and conversations all the time. This group of 20 something year olds is teaching me to let go and just have fun. There's nothing wrong with playing marco-polo and charades at a pool party or having lunch with a group of friends and just laughing and talking about whatever someone happens to bring up. 

I thought that because I didn't feel an instant connection with someone and we weren't having all these super deep conversations all the time that it meant this wasn't real community or that I hadn't found a place for me to belong yet. Honestly, having casual hang outs bothered me at the beginning. It felt pointless. Now, I realize that that has nothing to do with the wonderful people there and it has everything to do with what I have trained my brain to expect when it comes to community. There's nothing wrong with me wanting to go deeper and be intense sometimes. I have my super close friends I've known for years for that, and who knows, maybe down the line I'll find that with some friends in this new group. But that's not really even the point. The point is to just have community. To relearn what it means to have fun. For so long, I had such an uptight view of fun and casualness, I think, in part because of the company I was keeping. I had trained myself to think that casual was flippant and pointless for so many years. I'm realizing now that that is no way to live and that is no way to build community. That isn't how God wants us to live either. He wants me to find joy and fun and laughter in the body of believers He's led me to. He wants me to live a full life and to enjoy all the good gifts He's given me, whether that's through my writing or my family or the people He's put in my life. All of those things are good gifts and should be stewarded and enjoyed well. 

That's my goal for this summer: to relearn what it means to have fun and to let myself enjoy the community God has placed me in during this season of my life in a way that I haven't been able to before. 

Let this be a reminder that summer has just started for a lot of people. With summer comes free time and parties and making plans and doing all the things. Let yourself do them all. Go to the party even if you don't know anyone there. Spend half your day out with friends because hanging out with friends is productive even if your brain is telling you its not. Be present and enjoy the company of those who are around you because God has placed them in your life at this specific time for a reason.