Feelings Don't Last

 Happy Wednesday! 

I wrote this back in January and then never posted it... I've been in a weird place with this blog lately. For the past two years I feel like I've been super consistent and really excited about posting on here and then that just sort of fell away. I haven't felt inspired to write on here in a long while, mostly because I feel like I have nothing important to say or share. And when I do feel like I have something to say, I just haven't been able to bring myself to write out the words. I end up second guessing and doubting myself and think it's just not worth writing down. So, if I'm not on here as much as I used to be that's why. I'm figuring it out and plan to pray more about it than I have been because I love this blog and I love what I was doing with this blog. But for now, here's something I wrote back in January and ended up talking myself out of sharing. 

I recently saw a post from one of my favorite Christian Instagrammers about how feelings are fleeting but God never is. Just because we aren't feeling God or feeling our relationship with Him, doesn't mean He isn't there and it doesn't mean we get to stop reading our Bible or praying. This is a two way relationship, but God does all the work and praying and Bible reading isn't about us. It's about glorifying and worshipping God and knowing Him and letting Him sanctify us. 

In 2020 I felt closer to Him than I ever had before. That's not necessarily a bad thing either and I think it had to do with the fact that I had gotten into the habit of reading the Bible and praying every morning and seeking God more than ever before. I felt that until December 2020 when I realized I had been dipping my toes into some stuff that wasn't of God. I was slowly being lead astray and I had been feeding myself unBiblical doctrine. Satan was sneakily attacking me a lot of 2020. I thought I was doing a good thing by listening to certain podcasts and following certain Christian influencers on social media and reading certain Christian blogs. I thought I was doing a good thing by having deep, seemingly theological conversations with a friend of mine. But Satan is the ultimate deceiver. He is the ultimate liar and he is very good at what he does. In December I lost all sense of direction. All the crap I had been feeding myself and all the unBiblical things mixed in with Biblical things that my friend was telling me and talking to me about came to a head and I crashed. Not only did I lose a best friend, but I lost direction in my faith and my relationship with God. It's honestly still really hard to talk about because it felt really scary. I had never gone through anything like that before. I had never doubted God or the Bible before and had never been confronted so personally with unsound doctrine. One day I would like to put it all into words at length because I don't think people talk enough about all the unsound doctrine, theology and the prosperity gospel that is infecting the church... but a year later and I still don't have the right words yet to properly write about it. 

All that to say, I felt like my relationship with God was better than it ever had before in 2020 even as I went down a rabbit hole of unsound doctrine and false teaching. And then in January and almost all of 2021 I didn't feel close to God for most of it. I had doubts and I had to untangle a lot of things for myself. I just remember the week or two weeks leading up to Christmas of 2020 I dug through the Bible more than I ever had in my life to figure out what was true and what was not and even though I didn't "feel" close to God during that time, I actually felt really anxious and confused, I look back now and I'm like that's pretty cool that I took deep dives into the Bible that week and turned to the Bible for answers. I spent all of 2021 reading my Bible almost every morning and praying every morning and prayer journaling and you know just praying throughout the day or sometimes opening my Bible once or twice throughout the day every once in a while and doing little studies here and there. I spent 2021 learning about and listening more to Reformed doctrine and seeking out sound doctrine and theology and unfollowing all of the Christian influencers I had been following and starting to follow Instagrammers of sound doctrine. Pretty much I spent a lot of the year slowly untangling myself from 2020 and giving myself a clean slate on all fronts. And yet, I didn't feel as close to God as I felt in 2020. Honestly, sometimes I didn't feel anything at all. Sometimes I was just going through the motions because I knew that's what God wanted me to do. He would meet me where I was at even if I was struggling or not all the way there mentally. 

The first time in a long time that I've really felt the Spirit and God was like a few weeks ago while I was prayer journaling. It was really nice and it was comforting and it brought me peace. But my feelings no longer dictate my relationship with God because I've come to realize that feelings are fickle and their fleeting. God isn't defined by how I feel. He just is. He is who He is. He isn't who I feel He is and He isn't only around when I feel like He is. After spending almost a whole year seeking out God through my feelings and defining my relationship by what God can or can't give me or make me feel... it's comforting and brings me peace to know that God isn't defined by my fickle, sinful human self and He doesn't come and go with my feelings. He doesn't owe me anything and yet He still gives us good gifts and He gave us Jesus.

The prosperity gospel and so much of Christianity today is all about what God can do for us. It's all about seeking that spiritual high. But that isn't what being a Christian is about. Being a Christian is about what God did for us and what He continues to do for us even though we didn't and don't deserve it and He didn't and doesn't have to do anything for us. Being a Christian is about knowing we're saved by grace for His glory and that God is near and He is present even when we aren't feeling it. And when you realize that... it makes Jesus' sacrifice all the more sweet and makes me even more grateful and thankful to God for what He's done for me. I'm so thankful that God doesn't hinge on whether I'm feeling it or not that day. My relationship and my salvation doesn't hinge on whether I feel Him or not, whether I "hear" Him or not or whether He gives me miracles every day or not at all. My salvation comes from me believing that Jesus died on the cross for my sins even though I don't deserve it. 

It's not about how we feel. It's about trusting God sanctify us, grow us and help us bear good fruit in our lives. Literally, I couldn't do any of that. Only God can change the heart and only the Holy Spirit can help us bear good fruit in our lives. 

I want to finish with a very important verse that I think is relevant to this post. Now test everything I hear from pastors, influencers, bloggers, literally anyone who calls themselves a Christian against the Bible. Sometimes I feel like it makes me jaded or paranoid, but after what I went through in 2020 I'd rather be paranoid and double check everything someone says than get caught up in lies again. 

"Dear friends, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, because many false prophets have gone out into the world. This is how you can recognize the Spirit of God: Every spirit that acknowledges that Jesus Christ has come in the flesh is from God, but every spirit that does not acknowledge Jesus is not from God. This is the spirit of the antichrist, which you have heard is coming and even is already in the world. You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world. They are from the world and therefore speak from the viewpoint of the world, and the world listens to them. We are from God, and whoever knows God listens to us; but whoever is not from God does not listen to us. This is how we recognize the Spirit of truth and the spirit of falsehood." - 1 John 4:1-6