Building Back Up

 Happy Wednesday! 

I know I mentioned this in my last blog post... but this past winter was a rough one.

All of 2020 was rough, but winter felt never ending and draining. I came out of it feeling like I had lost a lot. I left behind so much in 2020. A Bible study group I was in for years. A ten year long best friendship. The house I spent all of my teens in. The church we were going to. I feel like God refined me completely and stripped everything away and is now building me back up. Slowly. Very, very slowly. I saw this TikTok the other day of this person being like "realizing you're in a new season with a new setting, new plot, supporting characters and character arc" and I felt that so much haha 

It sounds very Christian and holy to say God is refining me... but turns out, it's actually not a lot of fun to go through. Is it worth it at the end when you see what God was doing all along? Absolutely. But in the moment... it just feels really hard. I can look back now and see some of what He was doing. Not all of it, but some of it and I'm thankful for every hard thing and everything I had to give up even though it hurt. If I'm being totally honest, I didn't actually give anything up. God had to pry a lot of things out of my tightly clenched hands. I'm thankful He knows me well enough to know that sometimes a nudge ain't gonna cut it for me. Sometimes He has to take it from me even when I don't want to let go because I'm not a very letting go kind of person. I'm nostalgic and overly sentimental and I hate change. I hate change so much. It's the bane of my existence because change means giving up things I'm comfortable with. Change means stepping into new spaces and I don't really like new spaces very much at all. 

People talk about God refining and pruning us. Pastors preach about it. People say they're in a refining or pruning season. But no one really talks about what comes after. Refining and pruning is cutting things off. It's stripping dead or unhealthy things from your life. Sometimes its just you out growing something and having to move on. But once that's all stripped away, once it's all gone... what's left? Just you and God standing there. You wondering what the heck your supposed to do now and God still working and starting to rebuild everything in you and your life. Rebuilding is hard too especially for someone who despises change. Rebuilding is slow and it's full of waiting and uncertainty. It's sitting there feeling kind of lonely because you lost a friend or all of your friends and hoping one day you won't feel so lonely anymore. Trusting that God will come through like He always does and lead you to new people or the new right person. Thankfully God gave me a bundle of friends before I had to let go of a friendship that had consumed my life for almost ten years. He gave them to me at the beginning of last year before I knew any of this was going to happen and I honestly because it was because He knows me so well that He knew I would need something to cushion the fall. I would need some friends to fall back on and He gave that to me. Rebuilding means feeling stuck and kind of aimless and not sure what you're going to do next because you don't fit into the before refining you but you don't fit into the after refining you either. Rebuilding is just a lot of waiting. 

But most of all, it's a lot of trusting. It's hard to feel lonely, it's hard to not know what's going to happen next, it's hard to accept change and it's hard to feel like you don't know what you're doing (more than you did before haha). But what makes it a little easier is knowing that God got me through all of that and will get me through this too. It's hard to believe sometimes, but deep down I know I have hope for the future because I know God has the best for me and He will always come through. 

So, if you're stuck in the aftermath of pruning and refining. If you left behind a lot in 2020 or are struggling to let go of things and struggling to accept change... just know that God has this covered. He saw you through the hard stuff and He will see you through this too. It annoyed me for a long time whenever I read verses or well meaning comments from Christians about it'll all be Ok because God won't let you down, He has the best for you and the best is yet to come and all that. But honestly... it's true. All of it is true. He does have the best for you and the best is yet to come. There is more good to be told in this story even if it doesn't feel like it right now. God isn't done writing your story yet and He has big plans for you. It's Ok if you can't see it right now. It's Ok to struggle and grieve and to be sad about the changes. But don't forget to trust and find hope in the Lord too because you can do both. You can be sad and grieve and hurt and still trust in God and find joy and hope in Him. That's what makes us Christians so special because we can go through the literal worst times of our lives and still have hope and joy because we put our trust not in ourselves and not in the world but in God. 

Lean into the waiting, lean into the rebuilding, lean into the trust.